If getting hurt physically can leave you walking with a limp, getting hurt emotionally probably leaves you thinking with a limp.
Millennials were told not to talk to strangers as children, and as a result, we don’t.
People who leave their shopping carts in the parking spaces are probably the same people who feel the need to comment how they don’t like a post.
Paying rent is just like hitting the snooze button on being homeless.
Honey is totally underrated. Its the only natural food that’s made without destroying any kind of life. It’s also the only food that won’t rot.
Socially anxious people often have good senses of humour because the best way to exit a conversation is to walk away during laughter.
You may do something for the last time in your life today.
Sleep is amazing, it’s like getting a free trial of being dead every night.
It would be so cool if dogs lived as long as humans, and if as a child you picked a puppy as a companion for the rest of your life.
As a kid, a weekend with no plans is like torture. As an adult, a weekend with no plans feels like winning the lottery.
There is nothing better than realising, right after you wake up, that you won’t have to face repercussions for the terrible choices you made in your dream.
It’s a possibility that you may have died in your sleep, but woke up in alternate universe where you didn’t.
Life is just a really complicated exam, in which most people fail by copying from others, not realising that everyone has a different question paper.
If wisdom teeth were actually wise, they would know how to grow properly.
If you masturbate 15 minutes per day for your entire life, you will spend 1% of your life masturbating.
Few things in life are as nice as flipping your pillow over to the cold side.
Being “that guy people can go to about problems they’re having” is like being the only barber in town. You cut everyone else’s hair, but there’s no one to cut yours.
The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid because nobody would ever find it.
Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually expire and turn into mulch which they can consume.
Even depressed people are unsure of what to say to other depressed people.
Straight people aren’t attracted to ALL members of the opposite sex. Gay people aren’t attracted to ALL members of the same sex. Everyone is just beauty-sexual, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Harry Potter was a trust fund jock who married his high school sweetheart and became a cop.
People who say “money can’t buy friendship” aren’t considering you can buy a dog.
Genuinely kind people have often been through a lot of horrible shit. They’re so kind because they understand that every person they talk to might be smack dab in the middle of some horrible shit.
The phrases “ you do you” and “ go fu*k yourself” are basically saying the same, but have very different connotations.
Nothing says "this is someone else's problem" quite like a leaf blower.
You don’t think of teenagers as being creative problem solvers until you watch them create and execute a plan to get alcohol.
Foxes are cat software running on dog hardware.
Most kids today will never have to face the awkwardness of calling a girl at home and having her dad answer the phone.
We really take for granted that both our legs grow at the same time and at the same rate.
We give rude elderly people the benefit of the doubt because they've been through a lot, but there's a decent chance that old person has been an as*hole their whole life.
Gay guys are really considerate. Not only do they leave more girls for us but they take another guy with them.
It’s amazing that society thinks much more highly of you if your shirt has an extra flap of fabric folded off the neck.
Any fact about yourself that you've never told to anyone is technically one of the unknown secrets of the universe.
Your age in years is how many times you’ve circled the Sun, but your age in months is how many times the Moon has circled you.
If you made $10,000 an HOUR, it would take you almost 50 years of 40 hour work weeks to make $1 Billion (gross income).
As a kid, you hate naps but adults make you. As an adult, you'd love to take a nap but no one will let you.
People who can get their point across without cursing are a dying breed.
Chocolate is a flavour of milk, and milk is a flavour of chocolate.
I watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought “Wow, dogs are so easily entertained”. Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
I flirt by looking at a girl and hoping she’ll be braver than I am.
Biting your tongue while eating is a perfect example of how you can still screw up, even with decades of experience.
2010-2014 and 2015-2019 feel like 2 different decades.
For depressed people, sleep is the fast forward button for life.
People don’t really want to go back to a time when the world was simpler. They want to go back to a time when they didn’t understand how complicated the world has always been.
The most crushing feeling is when someone smiles at you on the street and you don’t react fast enough to smile back.
When you're in a bad mood, every bump on a road feels like a personal attack.
In our lifetime, the person we have the most conversations with is ourselves, in our own head, without saying a single word aloud.
If you are ever down about yourself, just remember that you have the same amount of superpowers as Batman.
If Snow White married Jon Snow she would be Snow Snow.
The sentence “Are you as bored as I am ” can be said backwards and still make sense.
We've built such a complex society that most people don't know how to live in it.
People often get dressed up nice and perfumed, to attract someone to get naked and sweaty with.
We live in a age where we have to prove to machines that we are not machines.
2019 will be last year of our lifes with "teen" in it.
You’ve probably rejected someone, who another person dreamed of dating.
Waking up in the morning sometimes feels like resuming a shitty movie you decided to quit watching.
Nothing makes you question your existence faster then when an automatic door doesn’t open for you.
Privacy is being able to watch porn with the sound on.
Millennials are known as the generation where everyone got a trophy for participating, but no one points out the parents that kicked and screamed when their kids didn’t get a trophy.
When you meet new people in real life, you unlock more characters for your dream world.
If everything goes smoothly, you probably won't remember today.
Aladdin's only friends were a carpet that moved, a smoking lamp and a monkey that he communicated with. He was totally just on drugs.
Boys will STAY boys if we do not teach them to be accountable men.
EAT becomes FAT if you don’t draw the line.
It is very likely that over your life you briefly interacted with a person who is absolutely perfect for you but neither of you realized it.
Nobody hates Mondays. Just a lot of people hate their jobs.
My parents taught me to be kind and humble, honest and hardworking, and to save an unnecessary f*ckton of plastic bags under the sink.
College is viewed as a necessity, yet priced as a luxury.
The reason why shows like Friends and The Office are so beloved is because they show us what we truly want in life - a tight knit social group that we're always a part of, no matter how bad we screw up.
All this technology and we still can’t copy and paste from a pdf.
Underwear is weird. I am currently wearing, underneath my pants, a smaller, secret pair of pants that only I know what they look like.
If you’re one of those public speakers that say “Goodmorning….Oh come on we can do better than that, GOODMORNING” I automatically do not like you from that moment on.
At 29, I realised today that sweatbands on your wrists are to wipe your forehead not because your wrists get really sweaty.
We get angry when the person we're talking to doesn't follow the script we gave them in our head.
Looking for a job is about convincing a bunch of Mr. Krabs that you're a Spongebob when you're actually a Patrick, until you slowly become Squidward.
Do you ever just crave to someone’s presence, like you would literally be happy sitting next to them in silence and appreciating their existence.
People who run out of shampoo and conditioner at the same time must really have their shit together.
It is weird how the same people who once played a main or side character in your life can suddenly become mere surprise guests.
Somebody somewhere hates you so much because of how someone described you to them.
If money wasn’t a so prevalent factor in the equation of life, more people would do what they truly love and it would make Earth an overall better place to live in.
Parents worry about what their sons download and worry about what their daughters upload.
No one says “with all due respect” unless they know they’re about to deliver an epic smack down.
If you count, your lips don't touch until you reach 1 million.
Falling back asleep is easiest when it’s time to get up.
Doing nothing all day seems nice until you’ve actually done nothing all day and then wish you had.
As a kid, the thought of living in a huge house was magical. As an adult, the thought of living in a huge house causes anxiety about the cleaning required.
The internet isn’t full of stupid people. The WORLD is. The internet is just the proof.
Sleeping is best enjoyed in an ice cold room with plenty of blankets.
All dogs go to heaven, even though they don’t go to a doggy church or worship a doggy deity. They go because they’re good, and that’s enough.
If electric eels went extinct 1000 years ago we'd probably think they were just folklore.
The main reason it becomes “harder” to make new friends as you get older is that you get really good at spotting red flags in people you meet.
We try to go to bed early, so we can wake up early, to get to work early. We try to leave work early if we can, so we can make dinner early, all so we can die early from stress related diseases. Maybe Imagine how amazing a rave in an Ikea would be, like a giant house party in all the fake rooms.
Somehow it’s socially acceptable to put another person’s genitals in your mouth, but eat ONE Skittle off the floor and you’re “gross”.
A stranger will remember you years from now because of some throwaway line you used in a brief conversation, and probably tells that story multiple times in his/her lifetime about you. But you’ll never When you have to study, tidying up the house suddenly becomes the best decision you took in your life.
You will never know what memories you lost.
The only two satisfying ways to eat popcorn is like a horse or like a lizard.
Somewhere, there’s a person who recalls something brave or wise that you said or did and thinks of you as someone who really has their shit together.
Imagine a fish coming into your living room wearing a mask and watching you eat breakfast. That’s what snorkeling is to them you sick weirdo.
Social anxiety is basically conspiracy theories about yourself.
Being a Millenial is like joining a game of Monopoly when every property already has a hotel on it.
Older music wasn’t better the bad stuff just wasn’t remembered.
Need to get new shampoo.
The worst moment ever is when you realise that you’re the one who was wrong in the middle of an argument.
Your future self may be thinking about you at this very moment in time.
Your dog has no idea that they’re the main reason for the walk.
People who voluntarily take parenting classes are not the people who need to take parenting classes.
Maybe the Mayan world-ending prediction in 2012 was more of a suggestion.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
When you’re in 1st Grade, 6th Graders looked like adults. Then when you’re in 7th Grade, seniors look like adults. Then you’re a senior and you realise you’re still a kid.
One day, you will either wake up and never go to sleep again, or go to sleep and never wake up again.
High school is basically like a free trial on education and once you graduate they ask for $50,000 if you want to continue.
3 AM is “a late night”. 5 AM is an “early morning”. 4 AM is where you just stare at the clock and try to categorise it but you can’t.
Going to the movies alone is considered odd when it’s actually the perfect activity to do alone.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don’t, technically, you did.
It's crazy how you can be the same age as someone, but at a completely different stage in your life.
A therapy dog is essentially just a regular dog who passed a program and has an “Official Good Boy” license.
Giving a hug and receiving a hug are two completely different feelings.
Sleeping in your own bed after being gone for a while is one of the most satisfying things in the world.
No woman wearing a dress with pockets will fail to mention that it has pockets upon receiving a compliment on said dress.
Being an adult is like carrying a huge ball of laundry, you think you’ve got everything under control until you look back and see all of your socks scattered across the floor.
We're lucky we can't control and be productive in our dreams, otherwise our culture would have us studying/working 20 hours a day.
Microwaves and humans both say "mmmm" when you give them food.
It's hard to let someone know that they're bad at taking criticism.
You know you are an adult when you get excited to just go home.
Your body knows how to do almost everything you learn in biology class about the human body, it just doesn't tell you.
If someone is cheating on their significant other to be with you, they will have no problem with cheating on you.
We miss the nineties so much because that was the last decade before the rise of social media and cellphones. Since then, our lives have been spent online and they seem to move faster and faster every No matter how synchronised synchronised swimmers are, they’ll never be as synchronised as someone that keeps unlocking the car door for you to get in and you keep pulling the handle at the same time.
The Powerpuff girls get their power from Chemical X, as in the X Chromosome. Their power is girl power.
You don’t realize how long a minute is until you start doing planks. You also don’t realize how fast a minute is until you’re waiting for your next set.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
You can accidentally make a human being but you can’t accidentally bake a cake.
The generation complaining about millennials not working are the ones not hiring them.
If humans didn't have 10 fingers there's a good chance we wouldn't use base 10 for our numbering system.
As a kid a wiggling tooth is exciting. As an adult a wiggling tooth is terrifying.
If we do live in a simulation, maybe magic did exist during the dark ages, but it was patched out by the devs.
If a pet has stayed with you their full life, then from their point of view you have always existed and will always exist.
If we successfully colonize Mars, then Earth will have its first true competitor for Miss Universe.
So many heroes would have been dead if the villain just did less talking.
"Noted" is the respectful corporate version of "Whatever"
Your current partner will be either the most important person at your wedding or not even present.
A lot of people that park like an asshole aren’t actually assholes, they just parked next to an asshole who then left.
People who sleep naked don’t have any fear of emergencies.
There is no physical evidence to say that today is Friday, we all just have to trust that someone has kept count since the first one ever.
Sheet music is just a sound recipe.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
The only thing separating you from certain death at 65mph is a painted white line and a mutual agreement to not play bumper cars.
When someone accuses you of being lazy, it’s almost always because you aren’t doing something they want you to do; so it’s a shaming tactic rather than constructive criticism.
It would be cool to have a movie shot by 2 directors and 2 versions released showing the protagonists and antagonists story.
Admitting that you are wrong is the same as acknowledging that you learned something.
Sometimes being a known as a “good kid” growing up meant you weren’t very good at being a kid.
Maybe ghosts DO exist, but they’re all out exploring jungles or mountains, instead of haunting people in boring houses.
Sex between a man and a woman usually involves the woman doing everything she can to orgasm while the man does everything he can to not orgasm.
If chickens are ever able to tell the story of their species, humans are gonna look like the most evil villains in history.
When the person you’re dating asks “What are we?” it’s like the free trial period has expired and you have to decide whether or not to get a subscription.
A person that does something dumb becomes cute if you like them.
There are people out there you haven’t met yet who will love you.
We would all be happier if we believed the good things people say about us instead of the bad things we think about ourselves.
As an adult, truly realising that “you can do whatever you want” is the most inspiring and terrifying thing in the world.
We spend 20 years of our life learning, to work for next 40 years so that we can afford to live out the next 20 years.
The most unrealistic part of any superhero show is the part where the super hero can hold down a 9-5 job, stay out late, and function properly on almost no sleep.
Sleep is such a weird concept. You lie there with your eyes closed doing nothing, then all of the sudden your mind just stops, but you have no memory of when this happens when you wake up..
Procrastinating is just enjoying all of the side quests of life while delaying the real mission at hand.
Maybe crickets have the exact opposite sense of humor to us, so whenever you hear crickets after a bad joke it’s just your tiny fan club absolutely dying with laughter.
Working in groups in school was never meant to teach you teamwork. It was meant to teach you the incompetence of your co-workers.
You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed simply by forgetting your wife’s birthday.
As a kid you think adults are these very serious people, then you grow up and realise everyone's just a big kid trapped in a system.
We don't teach kids how to learn, we teach them how to pass.
An onion is the bass player of food. You would probably not enjoy it solo, but you’d miss it if it wasn’t there.
You never realize just how well you can impersonate yourself until you're struggling with depression.
Clothes that are not dirty enough to go to the laundry but not quite clean for the closet, go to the chair.
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.
If humans suddenly lost the ability to tell lies, the world would be in flames in a matter of hours.
There is nothing more relaxing than going to bed at night and knowing that your schedule is free the next day.
If you get a girl home and she’s wearing matching underwear, it wasn't your idea to have sex.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you’re living off taxes because you didn’t pay taxes.
Peoples mental state would be a lot different if they remembered all the times they made people laugh instead of all the times they failed.
Your younger self is your older version.
Depression feels like being tired of a long days work even though you’ve been home doing nothing.
The biggest injustice in this miserable life is the fact that exhaustion stacks up but sleep doesn't.
People are more depressed now because they can do nothing and still be able to survived. Back in the day they had no other choice to do something in order to survive. Lack of purpose is a big factor in Somebody heard snoring and thought, "Yeah, that's the letter Z."
Humans invented machines to skip some effort and now go to gym to make up for the skipped effort. We humans are weird.
We run everywhere in video games because we're too lazy to walk, but In real life we walk everywhere because we're too lazy to run.
The reason Ouija boards say “Don’t play alone.” is because if you did, nothing would happen.
Punishment for honesty is what makes us lie.
Depression is like wanting to go home but already being there.
You spend your entire life waiting for something.
You're always free to do whatever you want until you're told you're not.
Isn’t it weird how we basically have an endless mental conversation with ourselves.
It seems like everyone in university is smarter and more qualified than you… except your group project members.
One day you’re not old and the next day you have a favourite supermarket.
A marriage proposal is only one knee away from begging.
Ironically, the inventor(s) of the Telephone wanted to bring people closer together.
No matter how talented you are you will most likely need to know the right people to truly succeed.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but antidepressants sure aren’t free.
When Hollywood actors brush their teeth in movies there’s no toothpaste foam. When I brush my teeth I get foam on my lips, my chin, my shirt, the mirror and my toes.
There is no sleep as comfortable as the sleep you shouldn’t be sleeping.
Men tell their daughters and sisters not to talk to strangers but get upset when women who don’t know them don’t want to talk to them.
I get more motivated by the phrase “F**k it” than any other motivational phrase
The word "quiet" is often said very loud.
Being a teenager, you suffer from both the consequences of “You’re just a kid” and “You’re a grown adult”
We had to destroy the environment to get to the technological level to understand we were destroying the environment.
Buying used silverware doesn't seem pleasant but using restaurant silverware that has been used hundreds of times by different people seems completely fine and normal.
Sucking on a hard candy until it completely dissolves without chewing it is an incredible feat of self control.
We spend obscene amounts of money on vehicles and makes sure they have the features and comforts we want, only to drive aggressively and speed home to get out of it as fast as possible.
Thor could have also gone for the thumb in infinity war, because he can't snap without a thumb.
Life is just a really long story about how you died.
They should stop selling razors by gender and start selling them by which part of the body you are shaving. i.e. Groin razors, face razors, leg razors.
The mentality “it’s only $5, why not buy it?” has probably cost me over $5000 dollars in my lifetime.
Imagine what a spider wearing flip flops would sound like.
There should be two shuffle modes. One for songs you play frequently, and one for songs you haven’t heard in a while.
My true soul-mate and I will probably be to shy to say hello to each other.
Do you ever get that sudden outburst of motivation to go out and make your life better then after 5 minutes you’re like “ yeah that’s not happening”
A human came out of a human because a human came into a human.
4am feels totally different when you have to wake up at 4am versus when you been up all night past 4am.
People who are rude to retail workers should be punished by having to work in retail for a week.
I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my third favourite dinosaur is.
If someone else has an awkward moment, I’ll forget about it almost immediately. But if I have an awkward moment, I think about it constantly for years.
I’ll never understand why some people feel their kids owe them something. The kid didn’t bring itself into this crazy world.
Being depressed when you otherwise have a nice life feels a lot the same like having a full pack of cigarettes and no lighter.
My adult years have made me question why anyone would go big when they could go home.
A "lap" is a non-existent body part that imaginably exists only when you are sitting.
We don’t give enough credit to our ancestors for figuring out what we can and cannot eat safely. They are the real heroes.
Everybody wants you to work hard, but nobody wants to hear about how hard you work.
We should have a holiday like the Purge, but instead of killing people customer service employees are allowed to say whatever they want to customers.
If Jon Snow is turned into a white walker, does he become Jonny Walker or Snow White?
I definitely would go slightly out of my way to step on a crunchy looking leaf.
If you marry the right person, for the rest of your life you’ll be “doing what you love.”
Websites telling me I’m using adblocker is a bit like a vampire at the window: “I notice you’ve got your windows locked…”
I hope after I die I get to see my stats like, number of breaths taken, number of good deeds, number of house flies killed with my bare hands.
The world has become so competitive now. If you share your troubles with someone, they start sharing their own to prove that your troubles are nothing compared to theirs, instead of just sympathizing.
Attractive people probably think that everyone is a lot more friendly than they really are.
Your funeral is the one thing you will attend and miss simultaneously.
No wonder cats and dogs hate each other. One wags their tail when they're excited, the other when annoyed. It's all a huge misunderstanding.
Buying erasers is literally paying for your mistakes.
Demanding respect because you are older is a form of participation trophy.
Everybody is gangsta until the cockroach starts flying.
Somewhere someone on this earth needs a person just like you in their life, and they’re always wishing for you to show up.
“Surviving high school” now has a whole new meaning.
You don’t realise what a terrible singer you are until you’re singing at the top of your lungs and the music suddenly stops or skips and you’re forced to listen to yourself carrying a note that you have If you suddenly realise that you're dumb, you're now less dumber than the time just before realisation.
Being a baby must be traumatizing at times. Imagine going to sleep in your house and you wake up at Target.
One day you’ll stop being asked what you want to be when you grow up, and instead be asked what you wanted to be.
It's only AFTER you graduate/leave a place or school that they put all the fancy shit in like AC, renovations, laptops, etc.
When you wish upon a star you’re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
They say you can’t put a price tag on knowledge, but they then put knowledge in books and sell it to students for way too much money.
Going to the cinema alone is often seen as very odd but it’s actually one of the most appropriate activities to do solo.
The first rule of passive aggressive club is…you know what, nevermind. It’s FINE.
There would be a lot less babies if women had to orgasm in order to conceive.
It’s so insane that no matter how weird your dream is, they seem completely normal when you’re in them. Like, you could be riding a giant chicken and it’d be totally normal.
The reason why moms always know where everything is is because they're the ones moving our things all the time.
People spend billions on movies about saving the world but no one spends billions on real life saving the world.
Some people think they're better than you because they grew up richer. Some people think they're better than you because they grew up poorer.
Meeting new people is great because you haven’t done/said anything cringy around them yet.
Sleeping is the only way to not feel pain or depression.
Driving the speed limit on a 1-lane road may be the easiest way to make enemies without doing anything wrong.
Minty is just cold spicy.
Smarter people are more depressed because they see how the world really is, not what it is made out to be.
For a procrastinator, deadlines are both the most stressful, and the most helpful thing in life.
Best advice you can get going into adulthood is don’t trust anyone who talks down to janitors, trashmen, maids etc.
What idiot named it hereditary depression instead of blue genes.
Your cringiest memories are actually just your most important lessons of the do’s and don'ts of social interaction.
Someone will be the last person who reads this sentence.
The only thing that makes being human tolerable is going into a dark room, curling up into fetal position, and being unconscious for 8 hours a day.
Nobody says ‘huh’ quicker than a person that heard exactly what you said.
If you buy the same type of sock every time losing one of the pair will not affect you in any way.
The only thing that’s worse than being ignored by the other gender is being ignored by automatic door sensors.
If you think about it we're all wet on the inside.
True love is finding that special person you are comfortable exposing 95% of your true self to, and it doesn’t result in catastrophe.
Ever wonder if the bank just looks through your account and think what the f**k is this person doing.
The worst part about being a kid is always being told what to do. The worst part about becoming an adult is not being told what to do.
After honey was first discovered, there was likely a period where people were taste testing any available slime from insects.
In 500 years a young archeologist is going to find someones preserved sketch book with crazy monsters, dark horror beings and evil Garfield sketches and spend his whole career trying to prove their Not having to set an alarm on the weekends feels so great even though you're going to wake up at the same time anyways.
The older you get, the more you feel sorry for Tom and see Jerry as the villain.
One of the best feelings in life is waking up from a vivid dream where you think something horrible is real and realizing it was just a dream.
We’re lucky that our bodies require sleep, otherwise our cultures would have us working 16-20 hour days.
Doing nothing all day seems nice until you’ve actually done nothing all day and then wish you had.
History would be the most interesting subject in school if they taught just how raunchy, and violent, History really is. Imagine a new episode of Game of Thrones every time you went to class.
Adulthood is having the "there's food at the house" talk with yourself.
Bananas are always emitting ethylene gas which makes other fruit ripen quicker, but they also grow in bunches. Each bunch of bananas is a battle royale to see who can kill the others fastest.
Travel size toothpastes last way longer than they have any right to.
Ironically, being a food source for humans is probably the single most effective way for an animal to ensure the perpetual survival of their species.
As a kid, the thought of living in a huge house was magical. As an adult, the thought of living in a huge house causes anxiety about the cleaning required.
Somewhere in the world is a tree exactly your age.
Part of growing up is learning to say “f**k off” in nicer ways every year
Humans have terrible battery life. 8 hours of charging, 16 hours of use.
It’s funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible but 7 beers and 5 shots in two hours goes down like a fat kid on a seesaw.
You will never know what memories you lost.
Once you hit a certain age, life is pretty much a list of chores you keep repeating till you die.
If marriage licenses had to be renewed periodically like all other licenses, not only would divorcing be a lot cleaner, but spouses might be discouraged from taking each other for granted.
Colleges make you take “core classes” unrelated to your subject so they can milk two more years of tuition out of you.
Once you know how to read, you can't stop reading.
You know you’re getting old when your parents start disappointing you, instead of you disappointing them.
You know you're getting old when everyone around you gets pregnant on purpose.
Moonlight is 100% solar powered.
Acting is the art of pretending to not be pretending.
Having someone's phone number memorized nowadays is a lot more significant sign of your relationship's strength/intimacy than it was 10 years ago
4° looks like a guy who's having a hard time pooping.
Before you start at a new job, everyone hears a new hire is coming in and hopes it's someone hot... then you show up.
Every decision you’ve ever made in your life, has led you to this exact moment where you’re reading a pointless post, simply for entertainment.
When you set an alarm at 2:00 am for 7:00 am and your phone says "alarm set for 5 hours from now" it is unnecessary salt on the wound.
To sleep, you must trick your body into thinking it’s asleep. To wake up, you must trick your mind into thinking that it doesn’t fu**ing hate life.
People’s voices get suddenly annoying the instant you know they’re a toxic or bad person.
The only thing that bottled water companies actually produce is plastic.
Sometimes, the only reason people buy new clothes is to have higher chances of taking them off.
Kissing is dismissed by teenagers as the tamest thing to do, and refused by prostitutes as being the most intimate thing to do.
Weddings are an expensive way to let your entire family know you are fu**ing that night.
Life is very unforgiving for anyone who messes up ages 13-21.
Human dating seems pretty similar to looking in the fridge, not seeing anything, then looking again in 2 minutes. Every time we lower our standards and hoping something new looks good enough.
There is one person out there who has a solid memory of you but doesn't even know who you are.
Destroying anything is much easier than building it unless when it comes to fat.
Every time it rains, there's someone really sad that their plans had to be cancelled, and there's someone really glad that their plans had to be cancelled.
Spider-Man is lucky he got the desirable traits of a spider like climbing walls and spinning webs instead of having eight legs or eating bugs.
If all the ants in the world decided to fight humans then each person would have to fight 1 millions ants.
We as a population somehow universally decided on mint as being the taste of fresh breath.
Losing weight is more of a mental challenge than a physical challenge.
Ending a relationship after a fight is basically a rage quit.
Somehow playing video games is one of the least sexy things a guy can do but one of the most sexy things a girl can do.
As an adult, any “free time” you have is actually just you procrastinating something.
Too many adults demand respect from kids without showing any in return.
Nobody remembers the cringe stuff you did because they are too busy thinking about the cringe stuff they did.
Dogs or cats without clothes are technically nude. Therefore, if someone asks you to send nudes, sending them a dog or cat pic is completely legit.
The older you get, the smaller the gift, but the more expensive they become.
You will never be as young as any photo of yourself.
'They aren't even trying' can be used as an insult and a compliment.
Sleep is a free trial of dying.
For the first 18 years of your life, your body is under warranty. If you get broken, the people who made you have to pay for repairs.
Despite there being 8 billion people in the world, people will still pressure you into having kids as if you're trying to repopulate the Earth after a near-extinction level event.
When you look in to a mirror you are watching yourself watch yourself.
Your bed is 10x more comfortable when you're not supposed to be in it.
The most comfortable position in bed is discovered just before I’ve realized I forgot to set the alarm or plug in my phone.
When I’m at a friend’s house I have no problem with helping them do the dishes, but when I’m home, there is literally nothing else I hate more, than doing them.
I cannot fight with people, because my mind is constantly coming with counterarguments to my own arguments.
It’s pretty ironic that the internet was created to save time.
Sometimes I just need a hug with no questions asked.
There are people confident enough to be the first to start clapping in a crowd.
Snakes either have a really long tail, or a really long neck.
An Apple an year makes your money disappear.
We are living fine without something that in the future probably will be considered essential.
Growing up depressed feels so normal that when you’re having a good time,you feel out of place.
Dogs often get given the exact same meal every single day, and yet they never appreciate it any less
Someone somewhere might be silently chuckling to themselves at a comment you made three years ago.
Whenever you have a good dream reality becomes the nightmare.
Odds are you didn't get away with your lie, someone just didn't feel like calling your bullshit.
If all the photoshop, makeup and filters didn’t exist. Everyone’s standards will be lower and everyone will be 10x sexier.
If a dog could use a computer he'd likely have his owner as his desktop background.
The man who started the tradition of men not planning weddings was a genius.
If it wasn't already used for photography, "Selfie" would also make a great term for masturbation.
Your face is a combination of thousands of years worth of other people’s faces.
You've spent hours of your life rubbing a piece of glass.
The generation that blames video games is the same generation that invented them.
Never laugh at your partner's choices. You are one of them.
Think of the most attractive person you know. Even that person, at some point, has had raging diarrhea.
How fucked would it be if the last sentence of the last Harry Potter book was "And then Harry woke up back in his bed under the staircase"
We live in a time where its faster to play a game with a complete stranger online than set up a couch co-op game with a friend.
You are someone's reason for choosing a different username.
The weird, artsy, loner usually gets the girl in movies (instead of the jock) simply because many movies are written by weird, artsy, loners.
Monopoly would be more realistic if the person with the most money got to change the rules whenever they liked.
Telling a dangerously overweight person not to lose weight because they're beautiful is like telling an alcoholic not to stop drinking because they're fun.
Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.
Your balls probably think you have over a hundred children by now.
If you think people are more attractive with a tan, you like people slightly cooked.
Everyone thinks "Blood, Sweat, and Tears" sounds cool, but if you told somebody you'd been bleeding, sweating, and crying all day they would probably be seriously concerned for your mental wellbeing.
Smoking kills you, but the actual “act” of smoking is a very healthy practice - leave a stressful environment, go outside for five minutes and take deep breaths.
Existing is so expensive.
The person who discovered that chocolate is poisonous to dogs must’ve had a very sad day.
Homework is unpaid overtime for kids.
When you hold in a pee your brain is telling your body to pee and not to pee at the same time.
Before technology people thought stupidity was caused by the lack of information.
There is a different version of you in everyone’s head.
In morse code, “K” = “-.-“, maintaining the same passive aggression as it does in a text response.
b, p, d and q are the same f**king letter and no one talks about it.
If you don’t listen to your kids when they tell you little things now, they’ll never tell you big things later.
Never be ashamed of your kinks, unless your kink is humiliation, then shame on you.
Someone, somewhere, at some point has probably idly fantasised about being in a relationship with you.
Aristotle said “Manly men are attracted to manly things”, and the manliest of things are men. This implies the manliest of men have to be gay.
Your future self is talking shit about you.
Not hiring someone because they have tattoos completely ignores the fact that they clearly have no issues with pain or commitment.
You’ll probably never find a bad parachute review.
Life is technically a sexually transmitted disease.
Somewhere, two best friends are meeting for the first time.
If you start counting from zero your lips wont touch till you reach 1 million.
As soon as you start having kids, you have to go back to asking your parents if you can go out.
Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, but taking them out is like Jenga.
Exercising is basically hurting yourself until you build up an immunity to hurting yourself.
When we sleep, our brains have enough power to generate its own reality in dreams. When we’re awake, it doesn’t have enough power to remember why we walked into a room.
Our brain constantly calculates possible futures and forgets about them immediately. Maybe deja vu is just our brain remembering the calculation and is surprised about actually having predicted the The voice in your head has grown up with you and at one point was a child.
A college class is like Dora the Explorer. The professor asks a question, stares blankly for a few seconds, then answers his own question.
Fast food is just less wait, but more weight.
What if Mars has water because we used to live there and f**ked up the climate so badly that we had to send an escape pod to earth with only Adam and Eve in it?
How many tattoos or surgeries have been ruined from earthquakes?
There are many cells in your body at this very moment keeping you alive and defending you from many threats, it's a comforting thought that something in this world exists that wants to keep you safe no ind.
Dads probably bond with dogs so much because, in our society, men don’t get shown a lot of affection but dogs give tons of affection regardless.
Straight people aren’t attracted to ALL members of the opposite sex. Gay people aren’t attracted to ALL members of the same sex. Everyone is just beauty-sexual, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I’m not anti-social, I’m pro-solitude.
I just want to be “buy stuff for my hobby and not feel guilty” rich.
I wonder if that person who I haven't talked to in years ever wonders the same thing about me.
I wish I was “college student who doesn’t have a job, but can afford to go to Europe for Spring break” rich.
The parents who complain that their “kids can’t stay off their phones these days” are likely the same ones that shoved an iPad in front of them as toddlers to keep them quiet.
Since yawning is contagious someone might have started an endless yawning chain without knowing.
Babies are a clean hard drive that can be programmed with any language.
People who cheat in school are often rewarded more than those who give a genuine effort. So what school really teaches us is that only the product matters, and not the process.
A bout of depression in the midst of living your life is a lot like sneezing while driving. You can’t stop the car, and you can’t really control the sneeze, so you just cross your fingers and hope you Foxes are cat software running on dog hardware.
The internet is the only place where people talk endlessly to each other about how much they don't like talking to people.
There could be a miracle drug that cures every disease to man, that we'll never know about because it doesn't work on rats.
If you're self-employed and you talk to yourself at work it's just a staff meeting.
My parents generation: I work hard so my kids don’t have to. Also my parents generation: these kids don’t work for shit.
Being an introvert allows me to care about humanity and despise human beings, simultaneously.
My daydreams basically just consist of what would happen if I was an extremely confident version of myself.
What if dreams are just glances at alternate timelines.
There are two types of people in this world: Those who will send back an order if it’s incorrect, and those who will suffer in silence and stick with whatever they’re given.
When a married couple hit each other it's domestic abuse, but when siblings hit each other it's sibling rivalry/bonding.
Few things are sadder than leaving the vet's with an empty pet carrier.
I wish it was possible to see your life stats. Like how many bugs you’ve killed, how many chips you’ve eaten, how many miles you’ve driven etc.
The day the Casino gets an uno table will be one scary day.
People are so amazed by the fact that every snowflake is different, but nobody cares that every potato is unique
Spiderman’s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
It’s scary how your body can replicate the feeling of falling from high altitudes in nightmares when you’ve never fallen like that before.
If your school lends textbooks, teachers seem perfectly content in using ones published in 1999. If your school sells textbooks, then last year’s editions are suddenly outdated, worthless pieces of The fact that we can accidentally bite the insides of our cheeks has to be the biggest design flaw of the human body.
Maybe adults aren’t afraid of monsters under the bed anymore because we know that if we get eaten by one we won’t have to go to work the next day.
If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds your body will have a nice warm meal waiting for them.
George Washington died in 1799. The first dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never knew dinosaurs existed.
Depression and anxiety is a bit like radiation. There’s always a little bit in the background; but not enough to kill you. Then, once in a while, you get a free trip to Chernobyl.
Your phone doesn’t autocorrect when you type in caps because it thinks you are angry and doesn’t want to get involved.
Having social anxiety feels like you’re in a theatre play without a script.
Maybe the reason why some of us stay up late at night and sleep all through the day is because we were meant to live on the other side of the planet.
Adults think its disrespectful when you don’t let then disrespect you.
f you aren’t confident about your looks, just remember that you look like your ancestors and they all got laid.
Usually, the uglier the laugh, the more genuine it is.
When you're a teenager and you watch your parents trying to use technology, that's how they feel when you try to date.
The brain may have named itself, but it also recognized that it named itself and was surprised when it realized that.
The most unrealistic thing about Spy movies is how clean the air ventilation system is!
Anxiety is like experiencing failure in advance.
If you drive a new car, you are rich. If you drive an old car, you are poor. If you drive a super old car, you are super rich.
100 years ago, we made the roads smoother so people could travel quicker. Now, we have to add bumps so people travel slower.
Introverts don’t make new friends, they get adopted by extroverts.
There is ZERO physical evidence that today is Monday. We’re all kinda relying on the fact that somebody has kept an accurate count since the first one ever.
You know you're socially awkward when you become proud of yourself for just saying what you wanted to say.
The guy who killed batman's parents saved tons of lives.
A black cat crossing your path is actually good luck on account of you get to see a cat.
Maybe only cats can become ghost. That’s why ghosts just knock over stuff and make noises at night.
If there are capital letters, why aren’t there capital numbers. I want to be able to yell statistics at people.
Neither cough, rough, though and through rhyme, but pony and bologna do.
What if whenever you cracked your knuckles, your fingers started to glow like glow sticks.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Airline passengers would probably pay more for priority deboarding than priority boarding.
Being able to FaceTime 911 operators would significantly help solve a lot of cases.
Introverts need time to recover from social interaction because they’ve been acting all day.
We never realise how skinny we are at a point in time until we get fatter and look back at our older pictures.
If you’re bi and you don’t have a male or female partner, you’re on standbi.
Boys will STAY boys if we do not teach them to be accountable men.
EAT becomes FAT if you don’t draw the line.
You know, Gordon Ramsey is pretty ballsy to yell at and insult people who are armed with knives and make the food he'll be eating.
In the future, old youtubers might give their account to their children, and it might develop into some sort of family business that is passed on through generations until the original owner of the Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
There are people out there you haven’t met yet who will love you.
It’s easy to do permanent damage, when you’re temporarily upset.
A Teenager is basically someone who is ready for an apocalypse but not ready for a test tomorrow.
It’s so cute how cats domesticated themselves and then made us their slaves.
A judge could sentence you to death while wearing Hello Kitty pajamas under their robe and you would never know.
When someone asks you “are you ticklish” there is a 0% chance you will leave that conversation untouched.
As an adult, truly realising that “you can do whatever you want” is the most inspiring and terrifying thing in the world.
Sleep is just a 9 hour free trial of death, which you return every day.
The hardest part about saving money, is convincing yourself that you’re broke when there is money in the bank.
We spend 20 years of our life learning, to work for next 40 years so that we can afford to live out the next 20 years.
Kinda sucks knowing that there’s probably hundreds of songs in the world that you would love, but will fail to ever find.
Alcohol is a push-up bra, but for your personality.
You learn better grammar by being an idiot online than 15 years of school.
Zero gravity allows for the creation of a pizza with toppings on both sides.
The people who are always telling you to talk more and saying “you’re so quiet!” Are the ones who never listen when you do finally talk.
I wish I knew which songs remind other people of me.
The older I get the more I think everything is bullshit.
They should make the bachelor but instead of a guy it’s a dog and it’s 16 families competing to be his new home.
I’d like to see a few different successful directors simultaneously direct their own versions of the same script, just to see how differently each film would turn out.
Do microwave companies have a legit reason to make the doors/buttons the loudest shit ever?
Whoever created the "clear search history" option was just a total bro.
Welcome to adulthood. You get mad when they rearrange grocery store now.
2019 feels like Season 4 of 2016.
Being lonely isn't just not having people in your life, it's not having any quality people in your life.
The hardest part about having pets, is not having them anymore.
If size didn’t matter, Pluto would still be a planet.
What if everyone on earth had a number over their head which signified how many times you have seen them before, even just peripherally?
Senior year is like a retirement home. You don’t work anymore, you hate everyone who’s younger than you, and in a few months, all of your friends will be dead to you.
Dying is the last thing you’ll do for the first time ever.
Comfortable sleeping positions often look like you fell from a 3rd story window.
When adopting a mistreated rescue, the pet is a reminder to the owner that not all humans are good, while the owner is a reminder to the pet that not all humans are bad.
If somebody has a mess but knows where everything is, they’re not messy, they’re organised, they just don’t conform to your definition of organised.
Your life can’t fall apart if you’ve never had it together.
A man shouldn’t say anything to a woman online or in a club that he wouldn’t want a man saying to him in prison.
Anxiety is putting 1+1 in a calculator twice to make sure you didn’t f**k up the first time.
One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says “Smell this…” it will usually smell nice.
When porn stars take off their clothes, are they dressing up for work?
There’s a stranger out there who probably has a memory that involves you in it that they think about from time to time.
We've reached an oddly secure place as a species when we're rooting for the number of tigers and lions in nature to increase.
Squirrels are basically rat hardware running monkey software.
So many people are in love, but not together. So many people are together, but aren’t in love.
If you think about it, birthdays are really satanic rituals about chanting around a flaming object that represents the amount of years taken off your life, upon which the flames are blown out and a The human brain is amazing. It functions 24/7 from the day we are born and only stops when you’re taking a test or speaking to someone attractive.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate the fact that our internal organs don’t itch.
Every house has its own unique smell. Home is where you don’t notice it.
People who focus on whether the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable.
We feel safest at home despite being surrounded by ~240 volt wires, endless water resting at 80-120 PSI and methane gas, all in pipes and wires which were installed who knows when, by a person who may Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
The biggest flex is using mobile data in your own home because the WiFi is being slow.
Blankets are not warm. We are. They just hold it in.
Being asexual is very depressing from an evolutionary standpoint. It’s the “you had one job” of the natural world.
Somebody somewhere hates you so much because of how someone described you to them.
The only thing that makes being human tolerable is going into a dark room, curling up into fatal position, and being unconscious for 8 hours a day.
True love is finding that special person you are comfortable exposing 95% of your true self to, and it doesn’t result in catastrophe.
Nobody says ‘huh’ quicker than a person that heard exactly what you said.
Maturity is realising how many things don’t require your opinion.
No one actually teaches you how to ride a bicycle. They just hype you up until you work it out.
We used to wonder about kids who threw tantrums in stores to get their parents to buy them shit. Now they're the adults who throw tantrums in stores to get managers to give them shit.
As an introvert, living alone was the best decision I made. As a depressed person, living alone was the worst decision I made.
What if the first person to eat a poisonous berry was just allergic and we’re all missing out on some sick berries?
The closer I am with someone, the ruder I am toward them.
If getting grey hairs makes you feel old, imagine how old your parents must feel knowing they have children who have grey hairs.
Locksmiths are the most honest people; they can practically pick any lock, and yet they choose a low paying job over theft.
The term, "No offense" has a 0% success rate.
Cooking products are sold by saying they can help you cook "restaurant quality" meals, but restaurants get you to come in by saying they have "Homestyle" cooking.
Minimum-wage is your boss telling you that they would pay you less if they could get away with it.
Wearing a suit to your job used to be something of a status symbol. Now being able to wear jeans and a t-shirt is.
There’s probably a correlation between how poorly a job pays and how many inspirational quotes are found around the workplace.
If you wait till marriage, then technically you have only ever had sex with family members.
It’s okay to toast your friends, to boost their ego. It’s fine to roast them, if they have a sense of humor. But barbecue just one of them, and suddenly you’re an a**hole.
College is viewed as a necessity, yet priced as a luxury.
People who say money can’t buy happiness never bought a dog.
The police should wear red and blue light up shoes for when they get into chases by foot.
I bet they are making so many Fast & Furious films just so they can make “Fast10 Your Seatbelts”.
Does "THOR" actually fly or does he just throw the hammer and hang on?
We flash our teeth at each other as a sign of affection or happiness when nearly every single other animal uses it as a sign of aggression.
Human beings are nothing more than a complex combination of protein, fat, calcium, water and sadness.
pic.twitter.com/NQj6OMayEt
What if everyone on earth had a number over their head which signified how many times you have seen them before, even just peripherally?
You could currently be living with a permanent and constant physical illness but never know it because you think the way you always feel is normal.
Google just gave me 21,900,000 search results in 0.62 seconds, and I got annoyed because what I wanted wasn’t on the first page.
The person who first spotted superman up in the sky was inexplicably excited to see a bird.
Typing the word "skepticism" is like playing Pong with your keyboard.
You spend most of your child and teen years being told how precious your youth is and not to waste it but also given very little power over how to spend your time.
Being in a relationship is solving problems together. Problems you wouldn't have if you were single.
Technically almost every mirror you buy at a store is in used condition.
It's not fair that coffee stains your teeth brown, but milk doesn't stain them white.
People with anxiety are basically way too aware of being alive.
I’m disappointed in our ancestors for never domesticating bats.
The worst part about realizing how lonely you are is when you realize you have no one to tell how lonely you are.
Our teachers telling us that "they dismiss us and the bell doesn't" prepared us for our boss asking us to stay late.
Why do men go to bars/clubs to meet women? Go to Target instead. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 on a slow day and they’re already looking for things they don’t actually need.
It will be a lot harder for kids to win against their parents in video games in the future.
Nobody lies awake at night thinking of the embarrassing things YOU'VE done. and you never lie awake at night thinking of embarrassing things OTHERS have done.
Maybe the grass seems greener on the other side because you’re not over there f**king it up.
Ignoring a problem is just like letting it level up before facing you.
Exercising is basically hurting yourself until you build up an immunity to hurting yourself.
Most of the trash on the streets is from junk food because people that don't care about their own health aren't going to care about the health of the planet.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we were going.
Somebody’s therapist knows all about you.
Your bed has probably seen you go through more emotions than most people have.
A clear toothpaste tube would make so much sense.
Bears sleeping through the whole winter is “nature” but humans wanting to do it is “depression”
The best thing about dogs is you can act like something good happened and they’ll celebrate. They’re always ready to party no matter what!
The generation that forcibly put soap in the mouth of children for using “dirty language” weighing in on the tide pod situation.
It’s really great that people don’t get notified when they’re in your dreams.
Parents begging for grandchildren have the same mentality as a child begging for a puppy: they get all of the cute with none of the work.
Social media is full of sad, lonely people pretending they’re OK and perfectly fine attention-seekers pretending to be sad.
Our skin is like the ideal fabric. It is easily washable, breathable, doesn’t stain, and even repairs every little cut and tear all by itself.
Imagine how much scarier the ocean would be if we fell through it as fast as we fall through air.
Naps are the snacks of sleep.
Procrastination is the ultimate form of perfectionism. You won’t do anything imperfect, if you don’t do anything.
80s and 90s seemed like 2 separate decades. 2000-2019 seem like just 1.
Sperm is a horrifying parasite that takes a woman’s body as its host for nine months, slowly growing in size and metamorphosing into an infant-stage human.
We live in a society so removed from nature that natural survival skills are a recreational hobby.
Everyone has flaws, if you don't recognise yours, you have a new one.
We take it for granted today, but a single Dorito has more extreme nacho flavor than a peasant in the 1400’s would get in his whole lifetime.
There’s so many talented people we will never hear of because of their lack of confidence.
There is nothing better than realizing, right after you wake up, that you won’t have to face repercussions for the terrible choices you made in your dream.
Life is just a really complicated exam, in which most people fail by copying from others, not realizing that everyone has a different question paper.
It’s a possibility that you may have died in your sleep, but woke up in alternate universe where you didn’t.
It would be so cool if dogs lived as long as humans, and if as a child you picked a puppy as a companion for the rest of your life.
As a kid, a weekend with no plans is like torture. As an adult, a weekend with no plans feels like winning the lottery.
You might do something for the last time in your life today.
Sleep is amazing, it’s like getting a free trial of being dead every night.
You never realise how long a minute is until you’re exercising.
One of the worst parts about growing up is finding out someone you once looked up to is actually a terrible person.
A college degree is basically an expensive piece of paper that signifies you know how to follow directions.
Having a large vocabulary is like having a lot of crayons. You rarely use azure or ochre, but it still feels nice to have them in the box.
Millennials were told not to talk to strangers as children, and as a result, we don’t.
It’s that time of year where you figure out if it was seasonal or regular depression.
Anxiety is like worrying that you forgot your car keys even though you’re driving your car.
The most unrealistic part of any superhero show is the part where the super hero can hold down a 9-5 job, stay out late, and function properly on almost no sleep.
After popcorn was discovered, there must have been a lot of random seeds that were roasted to see if it would have the same effect.
It’s both a happy and sad feeling when someone chooses not to sit next to you on the bus.
Introverts have fun too. We just don’t care if you know.
People don’t hate math. They hate being confused, intimidated, and embarrassed by math. Their problem is with how it’s taught.
The purest love in the world is the one between grumpy dads and the pet they said they didn’t want.
Sleeping is just a real life skip button.
The vape industry’s playing the youth in the same exact way the cigarette industry did years ago.
An electric toothbrush and an escalator are two things that can stop working and still accomplish their original goal.
Donating a kidney to your spouse is like letting them steal one of your lives in a video game so you can keep playing on co-op.
When you think you wanna die, you really don’t wanna die, you just don’t wanna live like this.
True love is finding that special person you are comfortable exposing 95% of your true self to, and it doesn’t result in catastrophe.
Getting your shit together requires a level of honesty you can’t even imagine. There’s nothing easy about realising you’re the one that’s been holding you back this whole time.
It is so obvious when people around us are flirting with one another, but it is impossible to tell when people are flirting with us.
Nobody says ‘huh’ quicker than a person that heard exactly what you said.
The morning after a relationship ends, you wake up twice: once when you open your eyes, and once when you remember that everything is different now.
What idiot named it hereditary depression instead of blue genes.
Horny texting is worse than drunk texting because you are aware of your actions but just don’t care.
The nicer the house, the harder to find the kitchen trash can.
Instead of writing :O you could just write Ö
The universal head shake for “No” probably comes from babies avoiding food they didn’t want.
We have been catching fish using the same trick for centuries and they never learned their lesson.
Humans must be a very confusing species to wild animals. One minute a human might be trying to kill them and the next minute another human is trying to help them. We are the least consistent predators When you lose someone close, those memories they had of you, that you don’t remember, are gone forever. A part of your existence and past ceases to exist.
Since there are 3600 seconds in an hour, and most people make less than $36.00/hr, their time is worth less than a penny per second. It's literally worth your time to pick up a penny from the ground.
If someone tells you to “hold your horses”, they’re asking you to be stable.
Security at every level of an airport is absolutely ridiculous. Until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s just like take whatever bag you want.
I’m fully convinced that some people’s hobby is looking for things to be offended by.
Your tongue is useless at telling your finger which 2 teeth the food is stuck between.
I wish there was an alternative to the “go to college, get a job, buy stuff, die” construct we have going. It all seems so fruitless.
Somewhere in the galaxy, your childhood is still currently visible. Your past self still exist, traveling through space at the speed of light.
My ability to admit I was wrong is largely determined by the attitude of the person I’m arguing with.
Humans are most physically vulnerable when naked yet nothing is more physically threatening than a naked person running at you.
The most unrealistic thing about Toy Story is that after 14 years Woody still has his hat.
If you drive a new car, you are rich. If you drive an old car, you are poor. If you drive a super old car, you are super rich.
You’ve probably once had a dream so vivid that you think it is a memory even though it never really happened.
One of the biggest scams in life was your mom saying she won't get angry if you say the truth.
Maybe the grass seems greener on the other side because you’re not over there f**king it up.
Adulthood is understanding why Shrek just wanted to be left alone.
There should be a reality show where flat-earthers have to find the edge of the world.
Your dog thinks "fetch" is a game that the two of you made up, and he loves you for that.
"Middle of the night water" tastes so much better than normal water.
Having kids is like having little broke best friends that think you're rich.
For every girl who wonders if a guy is staring at her, there is a guy who accidentally makes eye contact and is now afraid that she thinks he was staring at her.
If reincarnation is real, then maybe flies and other bugs are purposely annoying because they want to get killed and get reincarnated as something better.
Water is a beverage whose flavour is its temperature.
Being a pet owner is like being a sugar daddy. You waste all of your money on keeping them happy, and the only thing they do is look cute and give you attention sometimes.
Funny how in cartoons like the road runner, when villains make a plan and it almost works but fails for some little mistake, they never say “hey let’s repeat this but without the mistake” and instead, You’re constantly licking yourself.
Inside every 85 year old man is an 18 year old saying what the f**k just happened.
There is nothing better than realising, right after you wake up, that you won't have to face repercussions for the terrible choices you made in your dream.
Being 35 and not wanting to work in the field for which you've prepared is like being half way through an RPG and realising you've built out your skill tree all wrong and you can't respec and you can't Maybe kids suck at understanding time because when parents say 5 minutes, it’s never actually 5 minutes.
Scorpions don’t inspire nearly as much fear as spiders, despite basically being armoured battle-spiders.
7 to 7:30 feels more half-an-hour than 6:50 to 7:20.
College Students are simultaneously stereotyped for not getting enough sleep and for sleeping all the time.
We're lucky that our bodies require sleep, otherwise our cultures would have us working 16-20 hour days.
If you were invisible, you could have a perfectly normal relationship with a blind person.
When medication says "do not operate heavy machinery" they're probably mainly referring to cars, but my mind always goes to forklift.
Monopoly would be more realistic if the person with the most money got to change the rules whenever they liked.
Bottled water companies do not produce water, they produce plastic bottles.
You are probably closer to being a millionaire than Bill Gates.
If you’re no longer covered by your parent’s health insurance, your manufacturer’s warranty is over.
Social anxiety is basically Conspiracy Theories about yourself.
Adulthood Is when you get excited for picking out the exact correct size of Tupperware when putting away the leftovers.
Thermometers are speedometers for atoms.
We have all experienced a moment where we couldn’t remember if something actually happened or if we just dreamt it.
These days it is more important to look happy than to be happy.
The fact that our faces turn red when we’re embarrassed really doesn’t help the situation.
People don’t change until the benefits of changing outweigh the comfort of staying the same.
2019 seems like the year everybody found out there’s a switch on your ceiling fan for winter vs summer use.
We aren’t really destroying our planet by our actions. We are destroying ourselves. Nature will grow back and life will go on even after we are gone.
Actual growth starts when you’re tired of your own sh*t.
Downward nod for strangers, upward nod for friends.
It’s weird how some childhood games like “The Floor is Lava”, “Punch Buggy”, “Don’t let the balloon touch the ground” aren’t taught, but yet every kid has played them.
One of the worst pains comes from realising you overestimated how much someone actually cares about you.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like “Idk how to hold a pencil”
Free money on your birthday is like passing Go and collecting $200 in monopoly.
Sleep is so weird how one second you close your eyes and the next 8 hours have gone by.
Girls don't compliment guys because they're likely to take it non-platonically, guys take it non-platonically because it happens so infrequently they don't know how to handle it.
When you're a kid, you don't realise you're also watching your mom and dad grow up.
If all the jobs that could be done from home were done from home, we would dramatically reduce our impact on the environment while saving time and money.
Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs there is but one of the easiest jobs to get.
There's probably millions of "before" pictures without "after" pictures because the person gave up.
One of the most common dashed hopes has to be driving up to an empty parking spot but finding a small car in it.
Hundreds maybe thousands of great ideas have been lost after someone forgets to write them down.
Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, but taking them out is like Jenga
If your home is solar powered and you use AC then you are using the sun against itself.
Not enough people are talking about the fact that 2019 is the 50 year anniversary of the moon landing.
The whole point of a book’s cover is so people can judge it.
We’re usually aware when we experience our firsts, but we experience lasts all the time without even knowing it.
There could be lots of identical snowflakes. Nobody’s checking all of them.
The year 2021 sounds so futuristic, but it’s only eighteen months away.
Everyone hates being sung happy birthday, and everyone hates singing happy birthday, so what the f**k are we doing here.
Once you realise that the Spotify logo is a little tilted to the right there is no going back.
Someday your children and grandchildren are going to walk into your outdated “grandparent” house, with your 4K flat screen TV, hardwood floors, and stainless steel appliances, and think you’re a loser.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies.
We’re fu**ed if Greenland actually turns green
Somebody has probably seen you doing some random activity and got inspired to do it themselves.
Isn’t it weird how the object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
No one on earth actually knows for sure without a doubt wtf is really going on and how we got here.
A sneeze can be thought of as a nose ejaculation. This explains why some sneezes feel amazing, and why losing one leaves you feeling oddly unsatisfied
The 2010s will be over in six months.
The happiest stage of most people's lives is when their brains aren't fully developed yet.
We're all pretty lucky that roaches, spiders, and other creepy crawlies don't understand how creepy we find them. Imagine if a spiders knew how much better they could protect themselves by jumping at The most effective alarm clock is a full bladder.
Drinking water while going swimming in the rain on a cruise ship at sea is the ultimate aquatic experience.
Yawning in a busy public place like Times Square could potentially set off a chain of yawns that could last weeks.
When I say “the other day” it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth.
If the definition of insanity is to do the same thing again and again while expecting a different result, and the only way to become an expert in something is to do it over and over again until you get There is an untold number of innocent cats who have been lifted up in the air as a result of the original Lion King’s “Circle of Life” song.
Wearing socks for an entire day is fine until you take them off it’s suddenly too gross to put back on.
Two people out there are the happiest couple alive without knowing.
We are about to enter “the ‘20s”
The most dangerous game is resting your eyes after you turned off the alarm clock in the morning.
I never understood how adults could forget their age until I reached my mid 20’s.
People aren’t addicted to their phones, they’re addicted to the feeling of being connected to other people that their phone enables.
Somewhere, two best friends are meeting for the first time.
You’re probably constantly worrying about the next part of your life without realising that you’re right in the middle of what you used to look forward to.
The night before a day off is more satisfying than the actual day off.
You have been that attractive stranger that someone is too nervous to talk to.
People would behave very differently if there was a visible number counting down how many more times you’d see this person again in your life.
Spider-Man is Peter parkour.
It is estimated that more than 76,000 people are doing the exact same thing you are currently doing.
Our brain simultaneously hates us, loves us, doesn’t care about us, and micromanages our every move.
The man who invented Internet is 80 years old now. If you see him walk down the street, you’ll think he’s just another old dude who doesn’t know how to use Internet.
Babysitters are teenagers who behave like grown-ups so that grown-ups can go out and behave like teenagers.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing right next to you and you would have no idea.
There will be a generation of kids who wont know why typing 80085 is funny.
People will put more effort into avoiding a task, then actually doing it.
It’s surprising that books don’t have advertisements between chapters these days.
Everyone has a moment where they realise islands do not “float” on the ocean.
Currently, you’re wasting your time.
A wireless phone charger offers less freedom of movement than a wired one.
Look in front of you: you are the only one in the history of the universe who ever had and will have this exact view.
2019 is in the exact middle of 1969 and 2069.
When crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges it’s ‘intelligent’ and ‘really cool’ but when i do it i’m ‘petty’ and ‘need to move on?’.
Every family has their own smell and I’ve always wondered what mine is.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
The world would be a much nicer place if you got fat from being an a**hole instead of eating food.
Sometimes it’s way easier to tell a secret to a stranger , or not so close friends , then telling it to your closest friends.
Stressed spelt backwards is desserts and people often eat desserts when stressed.
The letter A is a sharpened pencil.
If school isn’t a place to sleep, then home shouldn’t be a place to study.
Dogs(simply by existing) probably prevented an insane amounts of suicides.
One day we stopped being required to type www. first for a website to load and nobody even noticed.
The scary part about losing your mind is that you won’t know it when it happens.
In every old person is a kid wondering what the f**k happened.
If you can’t intelligently argue for both sides of an issue, you don’t understand the issue well enough to argue for either.
i_before_e - Except when your foreign neighbour Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird.
Everyone is scared that if they had traveled back in time they could do something very small that would change their whole life. But no one thinks that doing something very small in the present will We believe what a 7 year old wants to do when they grow up but we don’t believe when a 23 year old doesn’t want kids.
Alcohol is a depressant, yet bars are stereotypically loud and boisterous. Caffeine is a stimulant, yet coffee shops are stereotypically calm and quiet.
Being a millennial is like trying to win a game of Monopoly, but all the other players have already been playing for three hours, and every property is owned and has a hotel on it.
It’s really f**ked up that a lot of people see their bosses more than their families.
There is a whole generation of people who will read “West Philadelphia” and can’t stop themselves from adding “born and raised” in their head.
When it comes to hot food, there are two types of people, you either blow your food until it cools down or you just go HASAHKFNSJGJKF until you can chew it.
If someday human teleportation becomes real, people will still be late for work.
Some of the most brilliant and wise people always end up being the most depressed simply because they’re more aware of their situation than others.
Home is where the air smells like nothing.
The deep ocean is fu**ing terrifying, which is probably why people decided space was a better option.
There possibly exists an animal so adept at camouflage that we will never know it exists.
You know someone’s comfortable with you when they stop cleaning their house before you come over.
Your inner voice is (in general) a way better singer than you are.
The first humans who ate crabs must have been really hungry to try and eat an armoured sea spider.
I listen to music so often that sometimes I measure how long it takes me to do something based on the amount of songs I listened to doing it.
Laughing is so weird. You just stare at the other person with your mouth wide open making ridiculous sounds and sometimes you can’t stop.
The word “Only” can be added anywhere to the sentence “She said she loved him” and make another grammatically correct sentence.
The real walk of shame is going back to your friends after bowling a gutter ball.
Doing something alone is kind of sad, but doing it solo is cool af.
High schoolers in TV shows use their locker more often in one episode than a real high schooler does in a year.
The best thing about dogs is you can act like something good happened and they’ll celebrate. They’re always ready to party no matter what!
People always say that once something is on the internet, it’s there forever, but good luck EVER finding that one funny picture you didn’t save.
Your date of birth could be a completely made up and you would never know.
Currently, you’re procrastinating something.
I used to think I was in a bad mood but it’s been a couple of years now so I guess this is just who I am now.
The line between “drugs will destroy your life” and “we’ll destroy your life if we catch you doing drugs” is apparently a really blurry one.
I don’t dislike mornings. I dislike being woken up and having to do a bunch of stuff right after.
Pregnancy is like a group project where one person gets stuck with all the work.
“Muffins” backward is exactly what you want to do when you take them out the oven.
Someone you don’t even know exists will one day make a decision that will change your life.
A snake that is 3.14 meters long is a π-thon.
I stay up late because after 10PM is the only time of day that no one expects me to do anything for them.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
How come when a house is haunted the ghost is always from the 1700s? Imagine a ghost from 2007 screaming “IT’S BRITNEY, B*TCH” at 3AM
You know that sound you hear when you close the fridge and something falls? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
I wonder how many times I randomly pop up in someone’s head like they do in mine.
We spend 25% of our life learning how we are gonna pay for the 75%.
What if depressed people are actually just the ones who see the world for what it really is?
I swear some songs have noises in the background that make you think your mum is calling you from downstairs and it gets me every time.
The caffeinated me has really got to stop making plans with people for the depressed me.
As an introvert, I get super happy when anyone texts me before I text them, even if it’s a close friend.
I wish that dreams had an ‘auto-save’ feature so that when you’re woken up in the middle of a good one, you could pick up where you left off the next time you fall asleep.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we were going.
My classes are like a high level Dora the Explorer episode. Person up front asks a question, stares at you blankly for a few seconds, and then answers their own question.
There is a well known saying that goes “don’t bring work home” , yet this is what schools force children to do after working about 8 hours every day.
I’m not sure if I’m an introvert or an a**hole.
Saving files on your desktop is like throwing your clothes on the floor at home.
The biggest turn on is seeing how much you turn them on.
There are tons of people in the world who are passionate about things that you don’t even know exist.
Your childhood ended when you started thinking about ‘what other people think’.
At some point, Subway convinced us all it’s healthy to eat a whole loaf of bread in one sitting.
If you’re aroused by dirty talk, your genitals are technically voice activated.
Depression is like having a bad week and waking up 10 years later thinking what the f**k happened to your life.
That feeling when you’re smart enough to know how awkward you are, but not smart enough to know how not to be awkward.
We are really lucky that boners don’t make noise.
The most impressive part about being a lawyer is the ability to argue without crying.
The human body is really quiet given everything it does.
Driving is insane. Not only are you entrusting your skills to keep yourself alive, you are trusting the skills of hundreds of strangers to keep you alive.
It’s so easy to get up after 4 hours of sleep when you’re camping and have nothing to do but if you get a full night’s rest and have to go to work it’s so damn hard.
Posting a Snapchat to your story and then waiting for that one specific person to watch it, is the modern day equivalent of Gatsby throwing elaborate parties seeking Daisy’s attention.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
It would be cool if after you died you could see the top 5 times you almost died.
Calling it Greenland will probably make sense in 100 years.
There is probably at least one white guy, adopted and raised in China, who speaks English with a Chinese accent and strangers just assume he’s a total a**hole.
Mark Zuckerberg always looks like the dude in a zombie movie who’s been bitten but is trying to keep it a secret from everybody.
Imagining a spider is screaming “oh shit oh shit oh shit!!!” as it’s scurrying away from you makes them a lot less intimidating.
Graduating high school only to be told you need a degree, so then you attend college & graduate, only to be told you need experience before being hired is the real world equivalent of “Thank you Mario! The most annoying feeling is to be able to understand a concept, but unable to explain it.
People tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up.
A human is not actually an individual, but rather a community of microscopic organisms working towards an unspecified goal.
Money is the ultimate make believe. It has no actual value; the system only works because everyone believes a piece of paper is worth a certain amount.
Maybe dogs follow you to the toilet because you follow them to the toilet.
No matter how much time you spend on your phone, it never appears in your dream.
Being a cat must be frustrating. You’re on your way to do something and someone picks you up straight off your path, then YOU’RE the a**hole if you get grumpy about it.
The fastest way to lose my respect is to to tell me that I have to respect you.
If taste buds didn’t exist, everybody would be so healthy and food would only be marketed based on its health benefits.
Depression is like a background app that drains your battery.
We all know our own bodies until it’s time to find which tooth the popcorn kernel is stuck in.
If there ever was a zombie apocalypse, those annoying pull to open door will be our saviour.
The show “Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader” confirms that nothing the kids learned applies to life.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there is luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
You know your childhood is over when you sleep on the couch, and wake up on the couch.
Schools tell you to express yourself and then suspend you when you do.
Ceiling fans seem to have universal settings, first setting you can’t feel anything, second setting is its almost there, third setting is shaking your house and going to fly off and kill you in your Being an adult is looking forward to getting paid so you can instantly make your weekly payments and see what’s left for you to enjoy life.
There is a person who had a crush on you, thought of you, dreamed of you and probably even cried because of you. And you will never know.
When someone asks you “what do you do for a living”, they’re calculating how much respect they gotta give you.
So many people from your past know a version of you that doesn’t exist anymore.
Your bed is almost always more comfortable to lay in when you don’t have time to lay in it.
It’s weird that we, as a society, have just decided to wear blue pants most of the time.
If you’re fortunate enough, your internal organs will spend their entire lifespan in absolute darkness.
You’re not supposed to win or lose arguments. You’re supposed to reach a mutual understanding and agreement. Otherwise, you both lose.
You don’t own the atoms in your body. It’s just your turn to use them.
The fact that Keanu Reeves, despite being loved all over the internet, feels lonely shows the true colours of social media.
Growth is painful. Change is painful . But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong .
You can count to 999 without using the letter a once.
Your future spouse is currently walking around making memories that they’ll tell you about someday.
My ability to admit I was wrong is largely determined by the attitude of the person I’m arguing with.
The closer I am with someone, the ruder I am toward them.
When a poor person is a drug addict they’re a no good junkie, but when a rich person is a drug addict they’re troubled and need help.
When someone tells a “man walking into a bar” joke you always imagine the same bar.
The more you grow old, the more you fall in love with the fact that no one gives a f**k about you.
Being under 18 is like being a non paying member of life. You don’t get to access all the features, but you don’t have to pay for anything.
What if the songs stuck in your head are just the soundtrack of the movie you’re unknowingly staring in?
I wish there was a way to be naked but also have pockets.
“Based on a true story” is the “made with real fruit juice” of the film industry.
Some of the greatest ideas in humankind will never see the light of day because they are stuck in the minds of procrastinators.
A dream always makes sense until you wake up.
Your past self is both old you and young you.
If babies and the elderly wear diapers then underwear is “just a phase”
You’re waterproof, it’s your clothes that aren’t.
We don’t understand the power of our jaws until we try to break an m&ms with our fingers.
Home is where you trust the toilet seat.
The idea of money not being able to buy happiness is a lie because you can buy a dog.
The world’s happiest person is blissfully unaware that they’re surrounded by 7.7 billion people who are less happy.
Uber is everything our parents told us not to do. Everything.
One of the worst parts of having mental health issues is that you’re seemingly required to have a breakdown in order for people to understand how hard you were trying to hold yourself together.
Everything ever invented in the world that exists or existed is because of people having sex.
It’s a missed opportunity that we say toilet-paper and not crapkins.
Sleep is weird. You fall unconscious for several hours, potentially hallucinate and then become conscious again without controlling any of it.
The lightbulb was such a good idea, it became the representation of good ideas.
Correct someone’s grammar, and you’re an a**hole. Correct someone’s math, and you’re their hero.
If you live in Germany, own a German Shepherd, and buy your dog a sheep, you will have a German German Shepherd Shepherd.
If you put “er” on the end of the word short, it becomes both shorter and longer.
The loud plastic wheels on garbage bins are made that way to remind everyone else that it’s trash night.
Maybe accidentally dropping something for no discernible reason is your player hitting the wrong button.
Someday the phrase “love you to the moon and back” won’t be as impressive.
Because the top layer of skin is dead we are all dead on the outside as well.
If you think sex workers “sell their bodies”, but coal miners do not, your view of labour is clouded by your moralistic view of sexuality.
Hard shell tacos survive the factory, delivery trucks and the store but break as soon as you put something inside them.
$20 is like one adult dollar.
Homo-sapiens are monkeys with anxiety.
ATM fees are you just buying your own money.
You do not automatically become wiser when you age, sometimes you just become more confident in being an idiot.
Sleep should be rolled over. Like “Oh, you got 20 hours of sleep today? Cool man, you don’t need to sleep for the next three days.
A mute super villain would be the most badass thing ever. There would be no long winded speeches about his/her plan while allowing the hero to escape.
Squirrels always look and act like it’s their first day being a squirrel.
Pregnancy is basically a really slow summoning spell with side effects and a casting time of 9 months.
The only people up at 5 am are those with a highly structured or a highly irresponsible life.
The fact that our fingernails are naturally color coded to show us exactly how far we can trim them down without injuring ourselves doesn’t get enough credit.
One of the most comforting and yet terrifying things about becoming an adult is realising that literally no one has any idea what they’re doing.
Growing up in a poor family is like starting a game on hard mode.
There’s an episode of Peppa Pig where she and her animal classmates take a trip to the zoo to see other animals. That’s some morbid shit.
We get annoyed by insects and bugs entering our house but we probably destroyed theirs.
“That’s the way we’ve always done it” is a terrible reason for doing anything.
Teenagers are the purgatory of family gatherings. Too young to be talking with the adults, too old to be playing with children.
If not for darkness, we would never know how beautiful a Firefly actually is. Dark moments provide contrast for us to see the beauty we overlook in life.
We are constantly creating sentences in our brain. We talk to ourselves all the time.
It’s not that people don’t realise drugs will ruin their lives, but rather, they know their lives are already ruined and don’t give a shit.
Just realised cowboys go yee haw and ninjas go hee yaw
Arms for your chairs are chairs for your arms.
Tourists probably travelled your country more than you.
You can’t stand backwards on a stair.
Hulk’s superpower is turning into a scientist.
Someone just decided to paraphrase the sound of snoring into “Zzz” and we all accepted it.
Somewhere in some other universe “how to train your dragon” is an online tutorial video.
Most people underestimate what they can do in a year, and overestimate what they can do in a day.
Blurry vision is like the free trial of sight and to get the premium version you have to pay for glasses or contacts.
We are in the last 2010s summer and nobody is talking about it.
Wolverine cannot be circumcised as his skin would regenerate.
At the beginning of a vacation, your suitcase is a portable dresser. By the end of the vacation, it’s a laundry basket.
You can remove any one letter from the word “seat” and still end up with a real word.
Older people who say, “respect your elders.” Are usually not acting respectably.
When you have wine and cheese you’re drinking grapes and eating milk.
If you are able to see through everything, you won’t be able to see anything (both philosophically and literally).
If your mom can’t find it, it’s gone.
While in the shower: 2% washing. 8% singing. 90% winning fake arguments.
There is nothing quite like the smell of rain on a dry pavement after a sunny spell.
Caramel is like if honey had a hotter sister.
If random strangers threw side missions at people in real life, unemployment would not be a problem.
People are more attractive when they’re doing the things they love.
You may have been someone’s best friend and you never even knew it.
Finding new music is like a drug. The more you repeatedly listen to it/use it the sooner it’s effects weaken.
Humans and birds both sing. You could have heard some of the most popular bird musicians of all time and not even know it.
A ceiling fan is like a helicopter who gave up on its dream and joined a 9 - 5 job.
Antisocial pro tip: If you bump into someone you haven’t seen in 7 years, all of their cells have been replaced. Technically that makes them a completely different person, so you’re not obligated to say Feeling lonely? Turn off all the lights in your house and watch a scary movie. Your not alone anymore…
Maybe we’re naturally stoned 24/7 and hallucinogenic drugs are what takes us back to reality.
Telling someone who has depression to “be happy” would probably make them more depressed because they want to but can’t.
It’s crazy how a billionaire could give you 0.1% of their fortune and it would change your life forever.
Children want to help you when they aren’t old enough to be helpful and when they are old enough to be helpful they don’t want to help you.
We now live in a society where people get offended for other people.
Humans put in a lot of effort to smell good only to be creeped out when someone tells them they smell good.
Humans basically went to space on a dare.
If everyone in the world learned a universal sign language in school, the whole world could understand each other. Would especially be good whilst traveling.
Game of Thrones plays out like a bedtime story told by an initially enthusiastic but increasingly tired parent.
25 years ago we were worried about destroying trees, so we switched to plastic grocery bags instead of paper.
Leaving your house 1 minute earlier or 1 minute later could drastically change your future.
All these embryos that become females are going to be pissed that they had more rights as a embryo than they do as born women.
As a kid, forever is so far away. As an adult, forever comes so fast.
People who often joke about or jokingly diminish themselves use it as a coping mechanism either for their self deprecation or to stop others from making jokes about them and such avoid being hurt.
There is 62% of a year left until the 2020s start.
Since atoms vibrate, everything can be considered as a vibrator.
In 1999, 1989 felt like eons and eons ago. In 2009, 1999 felt like ten years ago. In 2019, 2009 feels like yesterday.
Maybe dogs are so happy all the time because they sleep so much.
If giraffes were predators they would look both hilarious and terrifying while sneaking up on their prey.
You can’t feel depression in your dreams. Maybe that’s why so many depressed people want to sleep as much as they can.
Sharpening a pencil at the bin was the childhood equivalent of taking a cigarette break.
How fast you go up the stairs is often an indicator to what kind of mood you’re in.
Children are happy because they live in the moment while adults are unhappy because they live in the future (or past).
Being severely depressed is the opposite of being a ghost. Your body is still here, but your spirit is gone.
Once you turn 18, your 6,570 day free trial has expired.
We take for granted that most snakes and spider are solitary animals. Imagine them travelling in packs.
One of the most awkward moments in life is saying goodbye to someone and then both walking in the same direction.
The day you become independent from your parents that spoiled you is like switching from creative to survival.
The unsung heroes of the human race are those that died to find out what we can and cannot eat.
At least one person has discovered something but did nothing about it because they thought that it was already discovered.
Some of us are probably the true heirs in a royal bloodline history has forgot.
The world doesn’t have a food shortage problem , it has a food distribution problem.
There is probably something that you are naturally skilled at but never realised and wasted so much potential.
We are literally fu**ed into existence.
If you’re good at math, people think you’re smart. If you’re good at English, people think you’re average.
If you think about it, Batman lives in his parents basement.
If you lay in bed all day, you still managed to move 196.9 million miles. So you know, you’ve got that going for you still.
Our stomach has an alarm that’s set to vibrate when we’re hungry.
Every day, a day becomes a smaller percentage of our lives.
Having plants growing inside a house can be a sign of a nice house or a very bad house.
Robert Downey jr’s transformation from a drug addict whom no one in Hollywood wanted, to one of the world’s biggest superstar is the most amazing redemption arc ever.
A lot of people can say they have a body like Thor’s now.
It’s hard finding a comfortable position when you go to bed, but when you have to get up, every position is comfortable.
True happiness is in flipping your pillow to the cold side.
2 teeth = 1 tooth. 2 geese = 1 goose. therefore 2 sheep = 1 shoop
Being a physics professor in the marvel universe must really suck.
Having bad vision is like having everything you see stuck at 240p, and higher qualities are locked behind a paywall.
One day you’re not old and the next day you have a favorite supermarket.
It seems like everyone in university is smarter and more qualified than you… except your group project members.
Isn’t it weird how we basically have an endless mental conversation with ourselves.
The guy who flinches when someone pretends to punch him is way more prepared for a punch than the person who just stands there unflinchingly.
Maybe dreams are memories from parallel universes.
Tom Holland is the first actor that has acted in more than 3 movies as Spider-Man.
Falling in love during a dream is maybe the most savage way the mind can play tricks on itself.
The guy who flinches when someone pretends to punch him is way more prepared for a punch than the person who just stands there unflinchingly..
There is an actual animal that is commonly referred to as a ‘Daddy Long Legs’ and nobody thinks that’s strange.
We fantasize of healing and regeneration powers, yet we take for granted the fact that our skin sews itself up when cut, broken bones grow back together, and blood is automatically replenished when lost.
Books would get a lot more suspenseful if we didn’t know how many pages we had left.
The word “Trypophobia” has an awful lot of holes in it.
You don’t realize how much you take being healthy for granted until you’re suddenly not.
Emos are gone now because everyone is depressed.
You don’t realize how loud electricity is until your power goes out.
Maybe cats annoy us at night when we’re asleep because that’s what we do to them in the day.
When the Mayans predicted the world would end everybody freaked out but when scientists do we don’t care.
You’re not truly comfortable with someone until you can sit next to them in silence and it’s not awkward.
Say any word enough times and you start to question whether it’s a word or not.
As far as technology has come, “hand made” is considered to be of a higher quality.
As you get older you realize why your parents always took so long to say goodbye to their friends. It’s hard when you don’t get to see them very often
We have two, unrelated celebrities named Will Ferrell and Pharrell Williams.
In the future we will look back at the 2010s as the golden age of superhero films.
At some point, the population of the Earth was 6,969,696,969.
People who often say sorry even when it’s not their fault or it’s not in their control probably do it because when they were younger they were often blamed for things that weren’t their fault or weren’t Telling a depressed person to be happy because they are loved is like telling someone with asthma to breathe because there is oxygen around them.
Your phone number is the password a stranger needs to get in contact with you.
If fake jean pockets are made to look like real ones, they could just make real ones.
Google could probably force world peace by just telling everyone to “chill or we’ll make everyone’s internet history public”.
A McDonald’s on Mars will be open 25 hours and 687 days a year.
When you learn from your mistakes you are being taught a lesson by a dumber version of yourself.
Knocking is a much lighter way of punching someone’s house until they come out and stop you.
Cringing over your past self indicates a real life character development.
Thinking about what you could have said in an argument is a lot worse for lawyers.
You might be someone’s reason of masturba*ion.
The human body is a miracle in many ways. However, the inability to fall asleep due to anxiety of having to get up early in the morning must be one of its stupidest flaws.
When someone tells you to do something which you were about to do, it makes you feel like you don’t want to do it anymore.
Your immune system has probably silently saved your life thousands of times.
Dogs must think we are amazing hunters when we come back home with a car-full of groceries.
Being in a warm cozy apartment is so much more satisfying when you can hear the wind & rain raging outside.
It’s nice that our arms are long enough to reach our own genitals.
Schools only work because students unanimously agree on the rules; an entire high school could be overrun in minutes if the student body wanted to.
Swimming at night feels like you’re getting away with something.
A $20 bill feels like an adult dollar.
Nothing puts you in a bad mood like someone asking why you’re in such a bad mood.
Maybe aliens haven’t visited because they checked the reviews on our solar system and only saw 1 star.
Clapping is literally just slapping yourself because you like something.
We could have seen each other in real life and have no idea.
You don’t think anyone will enter the room until you start doing something you’re not supposed to be doing.
We have come full circle with the Egyptians who told their stories in pictures and worshiped cats.
Attractive nurses probably don’t get an accurate heart rate reading.
Rich people ask for money to support their cause while poor people ask for money to support their survival. One is accepted and the other shunned upon.
Preheating an oven is like foreplay for baking. You can’t just stick it in, you have to get it all hot and ready first.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you and you try to understand their situation instead of trying to hurt them back.
We could be living in a world where every phone charger could fit every phone. But Apple just *had* to be different.
There exists an alternate timeline where by pure chance, no one has ever won the lottery.
Breaking up is like deleting a game you spent lots of time, progress and money on.
Adulthood is realising Joey is a great guy and Ross is a d*ck.
Mosquitoes are one of the few things that are a 1st, 2nd, and 3rd world problem.
Starfish have their mouths at the centre of their body & mermaids use starfish as bras.
We somehow managed to discover Uranus before Antarctica.
In less than a year, we’re going to be living in the ‘20s.
Private messages (PM) have shifted to direct messages (DM) once we found out they were not so private.
Therapy dogs think all human are stressed, depressed, and anxious.
A weird part about growing older is seeing celebrities younger than yourself.
All dogs deserve a home. But not all homes deserve a dog.
No one would ever know if a tree chirped like a bird.
Tom and Jerry scripts were probably more action filled and violent than most of the action movie scripts today.
Telling people they’ve made your day will often result in you making their day.
One brick is good for attacking, but a lot of bricks are good for defending.
Being negative is great! You’re either always right or pleasantly surprised.
The fear to lose something always wins over the desire to obtain something - until you have nothing to lose.
The only reason aliens haven’t invaded Earth is because we’re millions of light years away so they either see a world full of dinosaurs or a frozen ice aged Earth.
One of the most depressing feelings is having a nice long dream, only to wake up to realize that all of that storytelling and world building is now obsolete and you have to return to your normal life
The age when you are most useless (0-4 yo) is also the age when you get the most compliments.
Monopoly is so realistic that only one person can have fun.
You can’t snap your fingers inside your mouth.
Maybe Hulk is always angry because Banner wears pants 10 sizes smaller than he needs, and his nuts are getting smashed.
People with depression can be some of the most chill and nicest human beings you ever meet.
People love to say a broken clock is right two times a day but what they don’t tell you is that it’s wrong 863963 times a the day.
Adults think it’s disrespectful when you don’t let them disrespect you.
If you are alone when you crack open a peanut shell and eat the peanut inside, you are the only person in the world to have ever seen that peanut.
When you are a kid you see people over 30 as adults. When you are over 30 you still feel like a kid.
People like to think that people more successful than them are lucky and people less successful than them are lazy.
It’s a non-scientific fact that turning all the lights off makes the tv louder.
Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is probably a bad idea.
Mirrors don’t break, they just multiply.
When you write, the only thing you are doing is drawing sounds.
Being rich must be like playing life with cheat codes on.
English teachers put more thought into a novel than the original author ever did.
The majority of us are only here to escape the loneliness of reality.
Sleeping is an 8 hour blink.
One day the world’s population was 6,969,696,969.
Despite there being infinite numbers, 0 is the halfway point.
When you are dead you do not know that you are dead, everybody else is just experiencing the pain. It Is the same when you’re stupid.
Both concrete and glass are mostly made of sand which makes skyscrapers just really tall sandcastles.
The saying “out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t apply when you are in your room and you catch a glimpse of a spider and then lose it.
If we can raise $600 million in 24hrs to rebuild a church, it shows that we could solve real world sh*t if we really wanted to.
Each time you light your lighter your lighter gets lighter until your lighter gets so light that it won’t light.
Typing the word “skepticism” is like playing Pong with your keyboard.
The sentence “Don’t objectify women” has “women” as the object of the sentence.
People who marry this Saturday will have their 50th wedding anniversary on 4/20/69. Best motivation to hit 50 years there is.
People who say sex is the best feeling have never worn socks for 24 hours or more straight and took them off and scratched their ankle.
Of all the spiderman universes you could have been born in, you were born in the one where he is a fictional character.
Space is only 62 miles away. Which is like an hour long drive.
Most people are made on beds, born on beds and die on beds.
Anybody that is 5'8" is also technically 4'20"
Maybe Earth’s like the uncontacted tribes in the Amazon, the whole Galaxy knows we’re here but they’ve agreed not to contact us.
I’m suicidal, but i’m also a procrastinator… so it just kinda works out.
When I listen to my voice on a recording, I wonder how I still have friends.
We keep thinking of dinosaurs as these frightening and graceful creatures like dragons or unicorns are, but I bet they did a lot of stupid animal stuff, too. Like chasing bugs and tripping over things Every child is trained by their parents for a world that is one generation out of date.
The fact that Scooby Doo can talk and solve mysteries is far more terrifying than any of the villains.
Many superheroes wear a cape, but Dr. Strange’s cape wears a superhero.
If nothing is real and you’re just imagining everything, you’ve had some pretty good ideas.
When driving a car at 80 mph, looking at your phone for just one second makes you drive blind for 35 meters/114 feet.
The most amazing thing about the MCU apart from the superpowers is the fact that english is the main language of 99% of the galaxy.
Technically, serotonin and dopamine are the only two things you enjoy.
Not being a Game of Thrones fan today feels like being a non-football fan on Super Bowl Sunday.
The night is the natural state of the universe, the day is just an anomaly caused by the sun.
The cure for cancer might be inside a mind that can’t afford his education and we would never know.
Everyone at least once as a child tried to balance the light switch between on and off.
If porn videos started with 15 second, unskippable ads about consent and safe sex, they would probably teach more than most current sex ed classes
Your future self is talking shit about you.
Life is like a box of chocolates, halfway through you realise how much you hate yourself.
If dirty talk turns you on, your genitals are technically voice-activated.
If no-one is coming from the future to stop you then how bad of a decision can it really be.
if you put your left shoe on the wrong foot, its on the right foot.
Your money’s not yours. It’s just your turn with it.
Looking for a relationship when you’re lonely is like grocery shopping when you’re hungry. It’s easy to be tempted to bring home unfulfilling, unhealthy junk.
Reading “!!!!!” is like trying to scream with no mouth.
People with anxiety don’t have a train of thought. We have seven trains on 4 tracks that narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross and all the conductors are screaming.
Owning a cat is like choosing to be the dog of the human-pet relationship. You constantly beg for attention and show too much enthusiasm.
The reason most of us stay up late is because we don’t want our free time to end and tomorrow to start.
Having an anxiety disorder is like having that “feeling in the pit of your stomach that something isn’t quite right” just before something bad happens, except you feel it constantly.
Childhood is idolising Batman. Teendom is thinking the joker makes more sense. Adulthood is realising both are insane and shouldn’t be allowed near human population.
The worst feeling ever is waking up in the morning, getting out of bed, getting dressed, eating breakfast, and getting on your way. Then realising you’re still in bed, sleepy as f*ck, and you were just Nightmares are just free horror movies that you produce, direct and star in.
Exercising is good for depression but depression makes it next to impossible to exercise.
Do a**holes watch movies and think the a**hole characters are reasonable people?
Books are simply other peoples’ thoughts that we pay for.
Number 5 is the only odd number that doesn’t feel odd in our heads.
Those bathrooms with the light switch on the outside are solid proof that most architects didn’t have siblings.
There is no reason to fear ghosts, ever. Either they can hurt you or they can’t. If they can’t, then the best they can do is the occasional scare. And if they can hurt/kill you, then you’re a ghost too Millions of people should take a second to be stoked that their nasal passages aren’t stuffed up at this exact second.
Stephen Hawking isn’t alive to see the very first black hole photo.
Resting your eyes in the morning feels more like sleep than actual sleep.
Since people can dream only people they’ve seen somewhere and sometimes don’t even remember it, it is very possible you’ve been in some random person’s dream.
That thing you lost and never found is still out there, somewhere.
Movies with campfire scenes always seem to forget to make the smoke annoyingly blow into the characters’ faces no matter where they move.
Air conditioning is just domesticated wind.
The first astronauts probably didn’t even want to be astronauts when they grew up.
Somewhere in the world there are two unsolved rubik’s cubes that are an exact match to each other.
We waste the most productive years of our lives in school and then spend the rest doing something unrelated to what we studied in school. (most of us ,that is)
Mosquitoes are grossly overlooked as a threat during a zombie apocalypse.